He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
as a side note pls kill me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
