Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
