Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
