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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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