I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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