You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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