1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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