You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize
