Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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