So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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