I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
