Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
