did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
