i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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