his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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