I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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