I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
