dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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