The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
