i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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