You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
