so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
