What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
This is my life. Enjoy the view
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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