So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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