he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
