Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
