Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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