I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
