I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
