i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
