I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
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Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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