everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
