i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
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I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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