I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
