i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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