Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
