I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize