i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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