Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
