$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
