I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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