I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
