I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
