I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
