He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Is Oprah even human
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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