She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
