seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
