I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
