my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions