Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall