Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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