My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)