Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
