I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
