but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
