and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
