Please, let me fuck your mom
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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