oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish you could order shots online.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
