Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
