Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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